Friday, January 29, 2010


Remember when all kinds of stuff started being recalled?  I think it started a couple of years ago with children's cold medicine. (And may I say, for the record, that those people who cannot figure out the correct dosage for their children have totally screwed it for the rest of us who just want our kid to get some relief from horrible stuffiness and hacking coughs.  Jerks.)

Somehow when all that started I signed up to get email alerts from the government whenever anything gets recalled.  That is some interesting shit.  Some of it is awful - hello strollers amputating tips of fingers!?!  But other ones?  As long as no injuries have actually happened, I just have to giggle a little bit.  Because it seems that whatever the thing is, it is often being recalled for what it sounds like it is supposed to do.  For example, Ammonia is a chemical, correct?

 "Ammonia Recalled by OnLine Packaging Due to Chemical Hazard"

Gas Grills - tend to utilize fire to cook things...

"Sagittarius Sporting Goods Recalls Gas Grills Sold at Lowe's Stores Due to Fire and Burn Hazards"

I think anyone using a log splitter would keep in the back of their head to be careful!

"MTD Recalls Log Splitters Due to Amputation Hazard"

 And then there are the ones where you really have to ask yourself.  Shouldn't someone, somewhere along the line have tested for this?

"The Life is Good Company Travel Mugs Recalled Due to Burn Hazard.
Hazard: The travel mugs can become excessively hot to the touch when filled with hot liquids, posing a burn hazard to consumers."
We're making a travel coffee mug!  Hey, do you think we should test how hot it gets when we put something hot in there?  Nah...

 And this one!  Where are the editors!?!
"Home Improvement Books Recalled by Oxmoor House Due to Faulty Wiring Instructions; Shock or Fire Hazard to Consumers
Hazard: The books contain errors in the technical diagrams and wiring instructions that could lead consumers to incorrectly install or repair electrical wiring, posing an electrical shock or fire hazard to consumers."

Let me tell you something else.  If I had a buck for every hooded sweatshirt with drawstrings that gets recalled I'd be a freaking millionaire.  Why anyone is still making these things is a mystery.  In 1996 the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued guidelines about drawstrings in sweatshirts and jackets.  1996, people!!  Can we get it together already!

So remember, keep your kids away from strollers and hooded sweatshirts and seriously, everything is covered in lead paint.  Just get them a cardboard box to play with or something.  Let's all be safe out there.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Do as I say....

You know what's funny?  The fact that I ate a molten lava chocolate cake with vanilla ice-cream as my afternoon snack.  When I wake up from the sugar coma it will be a brand new week.*  That's not my point.

My point is that I would never, ever let my kids eat a molten lava chocolate cake with vanilla ice-cream for an afternoon snack.  No, no.  They would have something like a banana.  Or maybe some raisins.  Yogurt with granola.  You get the picture.  In short, something healthy.

I can't believe I am actually about to write this because I completely hate this phrase - but the fact of it is, I am a garbage gut.  (I think it's the word "gut" that really freaks me out about that phrase, that is definitely not one of my favorite words.)  Anyhoots.  I have a wicked sweet tooth that I indulge pretty regularly.  Ditto the salt...tooth?  Or whatever words you want to use to describe someone who would eat half a bag of chips in one sitting. Yeah, that's me.  (And, yes - believe me, I light a candle to the metabolism gods every day I do something ridiculous like have a molten lava chocolate cake with vanilla ice-cream for an afternoon snack.  So far they have been treating me kindly.) 

But my kids?  I'll be darned if I'm going to let them eat like I do.  (At least not until they are old enough to live on their own and buy their own food.)  I see and read about the obesity epidemic that is affecting the youth of today.  I get it.  Also - I do eat healthy things too.  I love fruits and vegetables - I just don't eat them as often as I should.

I just find it interesting, it's like another secret you are let in on when you become a parent.  How to sneak money under the pillow while extracting a tooth without waking them up.  How to give "the look" that will stop any and all whining (at least momentarily.)  And how to stealthily eat cookies for breakfast while giving your kids oatmeal.  Awesome.

I know, I know.  My eating habits do suck.  One of my goals this year was to try to do better about that.  I did not achieve that goal today.

But I did have an amazingly yummy afternoon snack.

*Quote from Roseanne Barr - when she was funny.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press...

When my sister and I realized on this past Saturday that we wouldn't be able to watch the Golden Globes together on Sunday we hatched a plot for her to "DVR" them and we would get together tonight and watch them, cleverly being able to fast forward through the commercials and boring bits. We are so wikked smaht.  Also, we got a chance to eat fattening food and drink wine.  Two bottles worth no less!  (So if this appears a bit smudgy....well, I'm drunk.)  (Tee-hee.)

It occurred to me as I was driving home...  (Oh, maybe I should amend that "I'm drunk"  bit since I then drove  She lives, like, two minutes from me...)  So.  It occurred to me tonight, while listening to all the Thank You speeches of the all and mighty powerful Hollywood elite, that I'd like to make my own thank you speech.  I mean, how often do we, the huddled (non-famous) masses get to really say thank you to those in our lives that have made a difference?  Maybe it's just me, but I'm not really getting a lot of opportunities on a televised scale to let the world know who has made me, well, me.

So. Without further ado, I would like to recognize the following people.  Without which, I wouldn't be the woman I am today...

First off - my Dad.  A greater man has never lived as far as I'm concerned.  Oh, sure - he has his faults.  A bit broad in calling other people "Horse's asses", but truly, a person this world is the better for because of his living in it. 

My Mom. I know we were together much too short a time. But through my memories, and the memories of Dad and your sisters...I know you. I miss you. I hope you are proud of me.

To TNC (my stepmom - though she lost that title long ago).  A woman who helped me to live again after my Mom died. A person who is - and she'll know how important this is - a good egg.

My siblings.  Thank you for steering me right and showing me when I was wrong.  To the girls - you have shown me the joy of having sisters in every sense of the word.  To my brothers - you've shown me what it looks like to be there - for your sisters and as the wonderful husbands and fathers you have all become.

The Mr. What can I say?  You have shown me the true meaning of partnership.  We've had ups and downs - but I can't imagine my life without you.  And I don't want to.  We have two amazing, wonderful kids.  I can't wait to see what the rest of the years together hold for us.

To the many amazing teachers I've had.  You are part of the reason I feel I am capable of being out here and writing what I feel.  I know Mr. Roland would be lamenting over my grammer...but I will never forget what you taught me.  I thank you for giving your time.

And to you.  My blogosphere friends.  To those of you who knew me under a different header and stayed with me and supported me by still being with me when I had to start anew.  In its way, it was one of the harder things I've had to do in the past couple of years.  Give up that recognition and become anonymous.  You have no idea how much I value your continued presence.

Uh-oh...they're playing me off....those bastards with their violins.  I'd also like to thank my musical directors: Simon LeBon, Robert Smith, Michael, that guy from Depeche Mode...Sinead O'Conner...

Oh, damn.  They've gone to commercial.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The eyes have it

Isn't it about time in our all scienced up, medical world for poor vision to go the way of the dodo bird?  I mean seriously.  Shouldn't we be able to fix this stuff from birth by now of something?

I have worn glasses since the fourth grade.  I got my Mom's crappy genes in the eye department. (Sorry for the harshness there, but she would totally agree with me.)  When you're a kid and your eyes start to go you squint a lot and think that's going to solve the problem until some well meaning teacher asks you if you can see the board and the next thing you know you're being called "four eyes."  And really, why is that such an insult? 

When I was in high school I had glasses that were almost as big as my entire face. I look at pictures now and cannot believe no one told me I looked like George Romero and for god's sake to buy some smaller frames.

Hello there, aren't I cute?

 I finally got contacts in  college and have never looked back.  I just prefer to wear them then my glasses.  (No, I don't have the Romero frames anymore.)  But then about three months ago my right eye started to be a little blurry.  I wear disposable lenses, so figured it was time to put a new lense in.  Except that didn't help.  Then I noticed it was blurry even when I was wearing my glasses so I went to the eye doctor, expecting them to give me a new prescription and send me on my way.

But, no.  Apparently, my eyes aren't being "contoured" enough in the soft lenses and I need to use something harder.  As in, hard lenses.  Now for those of you who have never experienced any kind of poor eyesight, you can probably not relate - so let me try to describe it this way.  Imagine a big piece of glass sitting on top of you eyeball.  Got it?  Okay, good.  My doctor puts a lense on to "give it a try" and I'm telling you, I actually got a little sick to my stomach.  I told him I couldn't do it and he said, Well that's okay because there are new hybrid lenses that are hard in the middle, but soft around the edges!  We try some.  I can deal.

My lenses came in this week.  I go to get them and be sure that everything is a go.  They are a little uncomfortable, but definitely something I can get used to.  And I can see! Crisp and clear for the first time in several months.  Happy sigh.  Except when I go to check out and find out they are $400 f*cking dollars A PAIR!  Oh, and?  They are only good for six months.  GAH!  $800 frigging dollars a year - plus the cost of the stupid saline solution!!!!  What a racket.

I am SO looking into lasik surgery. You know, so they can take more of my money.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

We're like pioneers!

So, our big TV broke.  It actually broke I think almost two months ago now.  (I have no concept of time anymore, I swear to god 2003 was like, yesterday.)  The part we need to fix it was not going to happen right before Christmas, and since we are still trying to dig out from the bacchanalia, it's not happening anytime soon that I can tell.  (Before I get any further I should mention that we are not TV-less.  We do have a small one in our bedroom.  And we also have a portable DVD player, so we're not talking crazy here. And I guess we're not really talking pioneer-land, but it sounded good.)

However, the lack of the giant, pulsing box has not been the tragedy that I first expected.  True, my daughter has become obsessed with Road Runner.  Seriously.  I don't know how that DVD ended up in the player but she asks for it every day.  While my brother and his family were here over the holidays he commented that the Road Runner "soundtrack" was an interesting background to the general chaos.  Wonderboy's TV consumption has also gone way down.  He sometimes sneaks in a show in the morning in our room, or after dinner before bed, but since he has to be off in the bedroom by himself, it often doesn't last long.  He likes to be in the middle of things making noise too much to stay secluded! 

Another nice thing about it is that I've taken to hanging out on the couch and reading while the Pixie gets her Road Runner fix in.  I love, love, love to read.  However, it's often the thing the goes by the wayside when time gets tight.  I don't read anything that taxes my brain too much.  It's not that I don't think I would enjoy a "classic" now and then.  But I prefer to delve into something....well, a little more fun.  I also got a bookstore gift card for Christmas (best gift evah!)  so I have some new books.  (One of which is a parenting book - I'll let you know how that turns out.)  I just finished one of those new books and I'm throwing it out here because I really enjoyed it.   It's called "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen.  Really great.

Thinking about how much I liked this book got me to thinking about how much I would like to pass it on to someone else.  That led me to wondering if I could start an on-line book swap.  I'm always looking for new books to read, what if others are as well?  It can't cost that much to ship one book somewhere, right?  Crazy? Cool?  I don't know.  But if anyone wants, I'll send my copy of this book out to the first person to email me.  If you want to send something in return, great.  If not, that's okay too. 

I guess it's not so bad being down to one small tv.  I mean, not forever - let's not get irrational.  But for now?  I'll take it.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Ring a ding ding

First New Year's resolution blown.  Actually, I didn't realize it was a resolution, but hindsight and all...

Avoid head trauma.  Although now that I have experienced head trauma, maybe I'm free and clear for the year?  Fingers crossed and all?

You know how at some point in a Tom and Jerry cartoon Tom is going to step on the prongs of a rake and it's going to send the handle of said rake flying into his head?  I sort of had one of those moments at work the other night.  Except it wasn't a rake, it was a huge industrial sized fan.  I inadvertently stepped on the base of the fan which was all wonky and the big metal mechanism part of the fan on the back crashed into my forehead. Stars are so pretty. 

Luckily there was still someone else in the building, (we were in the process of locking up so this isn't often the case.)  I came out of the kitchen holding my head (which thankfully was not bleeding) and said, "I just really hurt myself."  Jim took one look at my head and almost fainted himself.  Huge, red welt from the top of my hairline to right above my eyebrow.  Off we go to the walk in clinic, bag of ice to my head.  Sigh.  Happy F-ing New Year.

But, no fracture and no concussion.  Just a big ole egg and what is turning into a lovely black eye.  So I'm all set with bodily injury 2010, okay?  Let's just cross that one off the list and move forward.  And away from heavy objects.