Saturday, April 17, 2010

Further proof of my theory that Death is a F*cking Bastard

My friend Christine is one of those people that I will always consider a good friend.  We worked together for many years.  She gave me maternity clothes when I was pregnant with the Wonderboy.  She is also a person that is genuinely great.  Funny, sensitive, smart.  Friendly to everyone.  A truly good soul.  Deserving of every happiness.  She and I have not seen much of each other recently.  Busy lives and different schedules have rendered us occasional email friends without much face to face time. But because of the kind of person she is, she will always be one of my favorite people.

Yesterday, I found out that her husband of thirteen years died suddenly this week.  His name was Frank.  He was as warm and friendly as Christine.  They have two young girls  - ages 9 and 8 (approximately, I admit to losing track.)  Christine has had some high level hotel jobs, Frank worked in audio and was able to stay home with the girls for the past several years.  Every time I think of them all, I start to cry.

One of the things Christine and I had in common was that we both lost our Mom's at a young age.  We've talked about how we wanted to have huge 40th birthday bashes since neither of our Mom's made it to that milestone.  She also lost her Dad.  Part of the deep connection that she and Frank had was that they had both lost their parents.  They had other family, but they were each others' true family.  I honestly cannot imagine what she is going through.

It makes me think about my Dad, and what he went through when my Mom died.  With two young kids.  And my heart breaks all over again.  Why the fuck does shit like this have to happen?  I know there is no answer to that question.  I don't have the faith that some do to help ease any of the pain.  Sometimes I regret that, but it is what it is.  So I lean on others.  My family and friends that can take some of it for me.  I hope to be able to do that for Christine. 

Some people, after experiencing a death in their life, get the "live every day to the fullest" idea in their head.  I don't think, in theory, there is anything wrong with that idea.  But I also don't think that it means that we have to try to solve world problems, or go sky-diving every other day or put even more pressures on our already stressed selves.  I think living to the fullest is what is best for you in that day.  It might mean reading a book and taking a nap.  Or cuddling up with your kids on the couch for a movie.  Or having a dance party in your living room. 

The only thing that I think is really crucial to do every day is to tell those that are closest to you that you love them.  No matter what.  Every day.

20 comments:

Zip n Tizzy said...

First off... I have to say, that while we've never met, I do love you. You're such a great blog friend and it makes me so sad just reading this that you and a close friend are going through this.

Now I'm off to hug the boys and tell them that I love them.

Here's one right now standing next to me...

Thanks for the reminder and hugs to you and Christine.

The Mr. said...

wow, I'm glad I didn't read the whole post at work, I love you mama!!!

myfluffybunnies said...

Oh, man. I can't imagine. I can't let myself. I know you'll be there for your friend, and I know she'll value the comfort you bring. Thinking of you both.

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

I'm so sorry, that is heartbreaking.

Your friend is fortunate to have you.

Cheryl said...

Tough read. Important read. Hoping your friend finds some comfort in knowing you're there.

Aging Mommy said...

What a heartfelt post. It is such a terrible tragedy for the entire family when a parent dies and the children are still so young - for both the parent left behind and the children. You know that better than most as you lived through it too.

Like you I do not have faith to ease the pain of such events or help in any way to "explain" them. As you say in such times the most important thing is family and friends and being able to lean on them and I am sure you will be a great support to Christine.

I also agree with you that living life to the full means making the most of all that you have and not wasting time and energy wishing for what we don't have. All too often we are racing along through daily life and it is all too easy to miss those precious moments and opportunities to just marvel at what life is and what we have.

A wonderful post written beautifully so it touches the heart.

Brittany said...

This post was so beautifully written, and the event is absolutely heartbreaking. I simply can't imagine. I am so incredibly sorry.

Scarlett said...

Life is so not fair!

I'll keep your friend and her family in my thoughts.

Kristen @ Motherese said...

I'm sorry to hear the news about your friend's husband, but am grateful to you for sharing your wisdom.

"I think living to the fullest is what is best for you in that day." This sounds like a very good mantra to carry through life.

The Queen said...

The first anniversary of the King's death is coming up.. it doesn't get any better. It gets a little easier.. less often do you find something in a drawer or the back of a closet that sends you into tears.. but it doesn't get any better...

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.. my thoughts are with her..

Crazy In The Making said...

I am so sorry for all of you. Sending good thoughts.

bernthis said...

It pains me to hear these stories. I'm so sorry for your friend. I know a couple of ppl who don't deserve to roam this beautiful planet and yet they continue to while amazing ppl like your friend's husband leave us all too soon. I'm sorry for her loss and yours.

Jenny said...

Hi. I saw you mentioned on Cheryls blog and thought I'd come to visit. What a kind and compassionate person you are.

This is a lovely post and a great introduction to your blog.

I am a new follower.

Captain Dumbass said...

Words to live by.

Strange Voices in My Head said...

I'm sorry for your friend's loss and for you, too. It is so very hard to make sense of some things, a curse on the living. But if a loss - no matter how random or abrupt - reminds us still living to love and cherish what we have, perhaps the curse serves as a blessing, too. Wishes for peace to you and your friend.

Carolyn...Online said...

That's just awful. And sad. And tragic. I think I'll be nicer to my kids when they get home from school today.

for a different kind of girl said...

My heart is broken for your dear friend and her children, and I'm sorry they are going through this. I can't even imagine such a sudden and vast void opening up on one's life like the loss of a spouse.

I agree with your idea on living life to the fullest. I'm never go to climb mountains or jump from planes or write a best seller, but I can simply do the best I can every day, forgive myself if I believe it necessary, and respect and love those around me as they deserve. I think that's the best we can all do.

Hugs, hun. Big, big hugs.

MsPicketToYou said...

girl. this moved me.

tough times up in here, and this reminded me what i needed to know.

thank you and my love to you and Christine.

Eternally Distracted said...

Absolutely heartbreaking - I totally agree that quality of life should not be measured by outrageous things but by those three simple words... to say them and hear them often.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I'm so behind on comments, I'm only just reading it now. I wish I had seen it when it posted - this is such awful news. I know we're not teenagers anymore - but I'm just shocked when I hear about someone around my own age dying suddenly of something health related. Losing your spouse/partner is like losing part of yourself. No matter how close your marriage is, you share a life together and you really do have to start all over again. I just can't imagine doing this with all of my small children. But I know people who have had to, and I think they are examples of true courage. I only wish they didn't have to be...