Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Pang. (With additional thoughts)

I didn't expect it.  Not one little bit.  But suddenly, a couple of days ago, it was there.  The thought just snuck into my brain.  Me!  The person who has been so adamant - especially after finding out the Pixie's gender - that two kids would be it.  We had our boy and our girl.  What I had always hoped for.

And yet....Sitting there at our desk at home, I thought, "Am I really never going to be pregnant again?  Couldn't we have one more?"  (That thud you just heard was my parents hitting the floor.)

I said something to the Mr. a bit later and after his initial reaction, "You're crazy," he realized I was serious.  We actually talked about it.  The fact that we barely survive financially right now.  That my current health insurance wouldn't cover it, so we would have to figure that out before we even started trying.  The fact that we barely survive financially right now.  That the Wonderboy would be eight or even nine years older then his brother or sister.  The fact that we barely survive financially right now. That we would be back in the world of diapers and sleepless nights.  Oh, and did I mention the money concerns?

I've felt for a long time that this is our family.  The four of us.  And now that the kids are getting older we can do more things together and have a great time.  How would a baby effect that dynamic?  I don't know.  But for some reason, the thought of never having another baby is making me sad.  And even with all those factors that show why it, perhaps, wouldn't be the best thing for us, I can't seem to shut the door completely.  Am I crazy?  Probably.  Am I just having an emotional reaction to the fact that the Pixie doesn't want me sing songs to her anymore at bedtime?  Maybe a smidge.  But it's in my head.

Are we going to do anything about this sudden pang?  I have no idea.

UPDATE:  In thinking about this more, I wanted to add that I do realize how incredibly lucky I am to have my two kids.  I know, and have witnessed in my own family, the struggles so many couples go through to become pregnant and bring those pregnancies to term.  I in no way mean to sound ungrateful or take for granted that we could get pregnant again if we decided to act on this idea.
~JMMW

16 comments:

carissajaded said...

I would give it some time and then you never know.. eventually you might be a little more financially able to handle it... or maybe the feeling will pass!

6512 and growing said...

I think it's hard to ever be TOTALLY sure about being done having children. I'm pretty thrilled and full with my boy and girl but I can also get sad about never being pregnant again, never breathing in the smell of a newborn, never watching my babies take their first steps again. For me the antidote is remembering to cherish these moments happening now.

Cheryl said...

True story. I decided at the ripe old age of 14 not to have children. Not because I didn't like them, but because I liked them too much and didn't want to wreck one. Fast forward to the onset of a very early menopause which I didn't recognize because my cycles had always been way off. When I told I was menopausal, tears came flooding up from a place I didn't know existed. The reality sunk in ~ I'd never have children.

Tough pill to swallow. I never dwelled on it but reading this brought back a familiar ache. I know I don't have to have children to be there for kids. I chose my path and continue to choose to follow that path of helping kids whenever I can. If I had my own kids I don't know if I'd have the time or the means to do what I do for the sake of the kids who need so much and get so little.

For what it's worth...

myfluffybunnies said...

Oh, the end of the lullabies! So bittersweet. Maybe listen to your pang, live with it for a while, and if it's still panging, you and the Mr. will find a way to make it happen.

bernthis said...

I have one and frankly, it's a struggle at times financially. I guess one thing to remember is, that baby will one day get older as well....

idgtm said...

Yikes! We also have a boy & girl and I have a friend that has 3 of each. It's whatever you feel will work for you and your family.

Financially, I think 2 colleges, 2 wedding, 2 bar/bat mitzvah's....

Zip n Tizzy said...

I hope it's not contagious! ;)

msprimadonna67 said...

So I'm not the only one? I've been thinking about it very seriously for awhile now, but barring overcoming some pretty unpromising statistics (just one of which is my age), we might just remain one-plus-one-plus three. In a world where so many struggle to bring just one into their lives, I feel selfish wishing for one more, but although my hubby adores his step-kids and they love him, I would so love to have one with him.

Christy said...

Awww I totally understand what you're feeling. I wonder if this will be my last pregnancy all the time. Best of luck to you thinking, contemplating and talking it over with your husband! I'm sure you all will make the right decision for your family!

Scarlett said...

I just had number two (a girl to compliment by almost 3 year old son). And I feel really done, but I'm not sure how to tell if you're really really done.

(BTW - nice blog template...I have the same one)

Captain Dumbass said...

Ah yes, we caught this same bug about six months ago.

Eternally Distracted said...

Your post reads like my best friends life... she did exactly the same. Had two 'grown-up' kids and then had a baby. She know has too older kids to help and appreciate the baby which she says makes life so much easier and she has a much loved little boy.

I hope that all goes well for you, whatever you decide.

zelzee said...

I remember going through this, too. I also had a son & daughter and was not planning another addition to our family.
I think it had something to do with thinking I wasn't needed any more.
Remember, they will always need you....
And we start all over again with grandchildren.

Kristen @ Motherese said...

Both my husband and I are one of three kids and we've always defaulted to the idea of having three ourselves. We have two boys now and are starting to think more seriously about whether and when to try for a third. I will be interested to see how your own thinking continues to percolate!

Aging Mommy said...

I'm just visiting your blog for the first time having seen your comments on Mom-101 and I read this post. I am 46 with a 3 year old daughter and I still want another baby, even though I know it would require a major miracle to achieve! So no, you are not crazy - just a mother who loves being a Mom and loves her kids.

I love your blog by the way - so glad I stopped by.

anymommy said...

I struggle with this all the time. For me, it's more letting go of this time in my life, I think. Because I've truly loved it. Anyway, I get it, I think a lot of people do.